Let the REAL Withdrawal Commence....

So here I am at day 3 of my sobriety...the day at which generally things start getting rough.

I hate that I even KNOW that day 3 is the day to dread- it just reminds me how many times I've done this.  Each time, without fail, days 3 and 4 have well and truly sucked, even when I was detoxing with meds.

The first time was easily the worst.  I don't know if it was because I didn't know what to expect, or if it was just the shock to my system, but it was horrendous.  Having got to day 3, I guess I was feeling a bit cocky about it.  It was before I had my daughter, about 5 years ago, so I could just kind of go to bed and try to sleep through it.  Or at least that's what I thought I'd be able to do. 

My sister and I were housesitting together- a beautiful house in the countryside with a swimming pool.  It seemed like the perfect place to withdraw- I was too far away to get to the shops (I don't drive and my sister sure as hell wouldn't take me to get booze!).  So, like I said, I thought I'd just hang out in bed and sleep through it.  Unfortunately, my body had other ideas. 

It started with the shakes, then the sweats- oh the SWEATS!  When my sister saw me she genuinely thought I'd jumped fully clothed into the pool.  The headaches, the nausea, the being sick.  Worst of all was that at some point I started to hallucinate...I can't really remember that bit too clearly, just that I was convinced that there were thousands of tiny spiders crawling all over me.  I could feel them, I would have sworn they were there.  I really thought at points I was going to die.  Then, as day 4 wound down, I started to feel better.  Better in fact than I had in a while- I wasn't hungover!  I was through the worst!  Best of all though- I wasn't full of shame and self-loathing and I actually felt something I barely recognised- pride.

I lasted 3 months that time.  I remember it as a time when I was happy- for me- and I wonder why I relapsed.  I don't know, hopefully I'll figure out why I relapsed so often someday.  For now I just need to concentrate on staying sober now, today.

So I sit here, sweating and shaking and craving, but I'm thankful.  For although I'm craving, I know that I don't want to drink.  Not today. 

Here We Go Again....

I can't even begin to imagine how many times I've said it before- but I'm saying it again- I am going to stop drinking. 

There are so many reasons I NEED to stop...I'm constantly ill, throwing up, shaking, sweating.  My life is a shambles.  I have no friends anymore, no self-esteem, no personality.  Mostly, though, I need to do this so that I can be the mum I should be, the mum that my daughter deserves.

I don't drink when I'm alone with her, but there is no doubt that my drinking has an impact on her life, on the way that I am, my energy.  I want so much more for her.  She'll be 2 in August, and my goal is to have months of sobriety behind me- so that I can feel proud of myself as well as her on the day.

There's an AA meeting locally tomorrow evening.  I'm trying to work up the nerve to go.  I've been before, I know how lovely eveyone is, but I dread it all the same.  I dread it because I fear I won't manage it again.  Each time I relapse the self-loathing increases tenfold.

I'm also frightened about the withdrawals- I've done it before with meds, and done it without- so I know how much I will suffer, but I just want to do it this time- pain or no pain.  Besides, I'm not sure the doctors will prescribe me the meds again.  It'd be the fourth time in a year.  Most of those times I didn't even make a full week. 

So, I'm gonna enjoy (?!) a last drink tonight, and read other recovery blogs on here, if I can find them...I need to feel hopeful.  I want to feel hopeful.