Here We Go Again....

I can't even begin to imagine how many times I've said it before- but I'm saying it again- I am going to stop drinking. 

There are so many reasons I NEED to stop...I'm constantly ill, throwing up, shaking, sweating.  My life is a shambles.  I have no friends anymore, no self-esteem, no personality.  Mostly, though, I need to do this so that I can be the mum I should be, the mum that my daughter deserves.

I don't drink when I'm alone with her, but there is no doubt that my drinking has an impact on her life, on the way that I am, my energy.  I want so much more for her.  She'll be 2 in August, and my goal is to have months of sobriety behind me- so that I can feel proud of myself as well as her on the day.

There's an AA meeting locally tomorrow evening.  I'm trying to work up the nerve to go.  I've been before, I know how lovely eveyone is, but I dread it all the same.  I dread it because I fear I won't manage it again.  Each time I relapse the self-loathing increases tenfold.

I'm also frightened about the withdrawals- I've done it before with meds, and done it without- so I know how much I will suffer, but I just want to do it this time- pain or no pain.  Besides, I'm not sure the doctors will prescribe me the meds again.  It'd be the fourth time in a year.  Most of those times I didn't even make a full week. 

So, I'm gonna enjoy (?!) a last drink tonight, and read other recovery blogs on here, if I can find them...I need to feel hopeful.  I want to feel hopeful.