Let the REAL Withdrawal Commence....

So here I am at day 3 of my sobriety...the day at which generally things start getting rough.

I hate that I even KNOW that day 3 is the day to dread- it just reminds me how many times I've done this.  Each time, without fail, days 3 and 4 have well and truly sucked, even when I was detoxing with meds.

The first time was easily the worst.  I don't know if it was because I didn't know what to expect, or if it was just the shock to my system, but it was horrendous.  Having got to day 3, I guess I was feeling a bit cocky about it.  It was before I had my daughter, about 5 years ago, so I could just kind of go to bed and try to sleep through it.  Or at least that's what I thought I'd be able to do. 

My sister and I were housesitting together- a beautiful house in the countryside with a swimming pool.  It seemed like the perfect place to withdraw- I was too far away to get to the shops (I don't drive and my sister sure as hell wouldn't take me to get booze!).  So, like I said, I thought I'd just hang out in bed and sleep through it.  Unfortunately, my body had other ideas. 

It started with the shakes, then the sweats- oh the SWEATS!  When my sister saw me she genuinely thought I'd jumped fully clothed into the pool.  The headaches, the nausea, the being sick.  Worst of all was that at some point I started to hallucinate...I can't really remember that bit too clearly, just that I was convinced that there were thousands of tiny spiders crawling all over me.  I could feel them, I would have sworn they were there.  I really thought at points I was going to die.  Then, as day 4 wound down, I started to feel better.  Better in fact than I had in a while- I wasn't hungover!  I was through the worst!  Best of all though- I wasn't full of shame and self-loathing and I actually felt something I barely recognised- pride.

I lasted 3 months that time.  I remember it as a time when I was happy- for me- and I wonder why I relapsed.  I don't know, hopefully I'll figure out why I relapsed so often someday.  For now I just need to concentrate on staying sober now, today.

So I sit here, sweating and shaking and craving, but I'm thankful.  For although I'm craving, I know that I don't want to drink.  Not today.